The Akatsuki Club For Morons
by NeverCutsTwice
Summary: Tobi, Kisame, and Hidan plan to steal Kakuzu's money, which causes things to go awry at the 4th Anual Akatsuki Happy Party Fun Time Festival. Insanity and hilarity ensue. New and improved format, because I'm a lazy ass. Chapter 1 also made longer.
1. Party Planning

I've completely revamped this chapter. It is longer. It is stranger. It is _better_. And if you haven't read it yet, enjoy. There might be references in there, and if you spot them, I'll give you a cookie.

* * *

Deep within a cavern, hidden away and sealed from the rest of the world, a group of S-Rank criminals gather. They scheme and plan their eventual takeover of the entire planet. They find, defeat, and trap powerful tailed demons, one by one. And once in a while... They get drunk off their asses.

One such event has recently transpired. It was the 4th Annual Akatsuki Happy Party Fun Time Festival, established by the Leader to raise the morale of the rest of the group. Unfortunately, after every party, horrible things happened. VERY horrible things. Even worse, no one could remember how they happened. This story begins with the Leader trying to solve one such dilemma.

Leader: How the _hell _did a giant marshmallow get in here?!

The Leader glared at Tobi.

Tobi: Leader-san, why are you looking at me like that?

Leader: Because I know you had something to do with this. You're always the cause of the disasters that happen during our drunken festivities.

Tobi: That is _so _not true, and you know it! Remember the time Zetsu started hitting on the house plant?

Flashback

At the 3rd Annual Akatsuki Happy Party Fun Time Festival, Zetsu has become drunk as a skunk, and begins to hit on a houseplant, while arguing with himself.

Zetsu's Left Side: Heeeeey baby, you ish just soooo HAWT tonight. You wanna bunk with big daddy Zestu tonight, eh?

Zetsu's Right Side: Dood, what're yoo thinkin'? She's a ugly, whiney slut.

Left: Shut up, Zetsu, yoo dumbass.

Right: No, you shuddup.

Zetsu collapses onto a pile of soil on the floor.

End Flashback

Leader: Yes, that was pretty bad, but this is still much, much worse.

Zetsu walked into the room as Tobi finished talking. He ran over to him.

Zetsu: I thought we agreed never to speak of that incident again!

Tobi: Well, Tobi is a good liar.

Zetsu: I'm going to eat your parents.

Tobi: NOOOO!!! Not mommy and daddy! They said I'm a good boy!

At this point, the Leader became very frustrated.

Leader: Oh shut up Tobi, we already killed your parents!

Tobi: Wh-What?!

Leader: Now, you must tell me how you got this mallow-y glob of marsh into the hideout. It's in the way, we can't continue our meetings with it here.

Tobi: But my parents-

Leader: That's not important now. Please, explain how this happened.

Tobi: (Sighs) OK... But, it's a long story, so you'd better go get some snacks.

Leader: No, I'm cool.

Tobi: You sure? This is your last chance at delicious snack-filled delight.

Leader: Yes, I'm sure.

Tobi: Well, alrighty then! It all started two weeks ago...

Everything from this point happened two weeks previous to the events mentioned above. Interesting, yes?

Tobi awoke one morning, yawned loudly, and went to get breakfast. It's never been stated that they live in their base, but it's my story, I can do what I want. So shut up. Anyhoo, he grabbed a bowl and a box of Shinobi-Style Caramel Sugar Nummies. He wolfed down every piece, though he ate it without removing his mask is a mystery to us all. When he was done, he grabbed another box and toward the hall, where he ran into Kisame.

Tobi: Ahoy-hoy, and good morning, Kisame-san!"

Kisame: What the hell do you want? You're in my way."

Tobi: Gee, you seem grumpy this morning. I bet I can cheer you up with... (Shakes box) some Sugar Nummies!"

Kisame: (Gasps) Did you say Sugar Nummies? Are they the caramel kind?

Tobi: The caramel-iest!

Kisame: Oh goody! Gimme gimme gimme!

The two ate from the box and wandered the halls. They eventually got so high on sugar that they started dancing and singing the Macarena. The rest of the group members were still asleep, which pissed them off something fierce.

Tobi and Kisame: HEEEEY, MACARENA!

Deidara: (From his room) Shut the hell up, yeah! We're trying to sleep!

Tobi: But Deidara-sempai, it's nearly 11:30, you should be awake by now anyway.

The Leader suddenly appeared behind Kisame and Tobi without warning.

Leader: Good point!

The rest of the Akatsuki also appeared in front of the two, fully dressed and awake.

Leader: Alright everyone, we all know why we're here today, correct?

Hidan: Because these assholes wouldn't let us sleep?

Leader: NO! That is WRONG! You ignorant ninny! I slap your wrist!

The Leader did just that. When he turned around, Hidan stuck out his tongue at him.

Leader: Now, who really know why we're here?

Deidara: To plan the next Akatsuki Happy Party Fun Time Festival, yeah?

Leader: Correct-a-mundo, Dei-chan!

Deidara: What did you just call me?

Leader: Shut up, Leader commands it! Now... (He points at Kakuzu) Kakuzu, what will our goal be for the next Festival thingy?

Kakuzu: Uh-

Leader: No time for an answer! We are going to throw the biggest party EVER! There's gonna be food, and music, and more food, and David Hasslehoff's comin'!

Kisame: He won't be drunk, will he?

Leader: Of course he will, we'll ALL get PLASTERED! Now, there's much work and planning to be done, so I must leave you. Leader, away!

The Leader raised his hands in the air and flew through the ceiling.

Deidara: I never knew he could do that, yeah.

Tobi: Leader-san is very mysterious.

Hidan: No, he's just really high.

Kakuzu: How do you know that?"

Hidan: I saw him earlier.

Flashback

The Leader is in his room. The door is locked. Hidan comes and starts pounding on the door.

Hidan: Leader, open up! We need stuff, and it required you for some reason!

Leader: I'm busy, go away.

Hidan: I'm gonna break this door down if you don't open it!

Leader: No wait, don't open it, there's someone in here! I'm... I'm wrapping presents!

Hidan grabs his scythe and breaks a hole in the door. Smoke comes pouring out of the room, and the Leader's eyes are bloodshot.

Hidan: Were you smoking weed? How did you get that?

Leader: From...uh... The neighbors.

Hidan: We don't have any neighbors!

Leader: We don't? Oh...uh... See ya.

The Leader pushes Hidan out of the way and runs into a wall.

End Flashback

Kakuzu: ... I hate you, Hidan.


	2. The Three Stooges Assemble

I have nothing to say about this chapter. R&R if you want, I won't bug you to do it.

* * *

Tobi continued to recount his story of disaster to Leader. However, Leader started to interrupt.

Leader: I'm amazed that you can remember what everyone said in such great detail, considering all this happened over a span of two weeks.

Tobi: Yes, I AM quite amazing.

Leader: Shut up and start up with the explanation.

Tobi: But you-

Leader: LEADER SAYS KEEP TALKING!

Back to main plot, whoo!

The members dispersed from their grand hallway adventure. Tobi tried to think of something to contribute to the party they were planning.

Tobi: I'm-a thinkin', I sure am! By God, how I'm thinking! Never have I thought so hard before!

Deidara walked into the room where Tobi was thinking ever so hard.

Deidara: Make sure your head doesn't explode from all that thinking, yeah.

Tobi: Le GASP! That'd be awful! I'd better stop thinking for a while...

Deidara: Then again, that would be pretty cool. Art... (Gives Tobi a scary look) is a BLAST, after all. (Laughs evily)

Tobi: Senpai, you're scaring me... I'm just gonna get the hell away from you now...

Tobi ran away, while Deidara stayed in the room and laughed even more menacingly and maniacally. He laughed so much his hair eventually caught fire for no apparent reason.

Deidara: Oh shit, my hair!

Meanwhile, Tobi started poking Kisame with a stick.

Tobi: I poke you now, fish man. (Pokes vigorously)

Kisame: (While being poked) Stop that.

Tobi: NEVER! (Pokes harder)

Kisame: OW! Knock it off, idiot!

Tobi: YOU WILL NEVER SINK MY CHEERIO! (Starts smacking Kisame with stick)

Hidan started yelling from another room.

Hidan: Why won't you assholes just shut the fuck up?! I can't pray with all that noise!

Tobi: Oh yeah, right! You're probably just mutilating yourself or something!

Kisame: That masochistic freak, that's like his form of masturbation.

In Hidan's room

Hidan had a pike stuck through his chest, and his legs were impaled to the wall.

Hidan: How did he know?

Back with Kisame and Tobi

Kisame: So why are you here?

Tobi: I came to poke you, and my mission was an outstanding success.

Kisame: Is that all? Don't you think we should help the Leader plan the big happy fun party, or whatever it's called?

Tobi: I suppose we could do that. I can't think of any good ideas for it, though.

Kisame: We can think of something together. Two heads are better than one, after all.

At that moment, Zetsu burst in the room through a wall, Kool-Aid Man style.

Zetsu: That's what YOU think!

He then ran through the room and jumped out the window.

Tobi and Kisame: ... The hell?

Kisame recovered from that dose of insanity and continued.

Kisame: Well, we have to think of something big, something exiting, something that's never been thought of before...

Tobi: We could have a Dance Dance Revolution dance-off!

Kisame: That's been done sooooo many times before. Don't you remember our first big party? It was fun until Itachi lost.

Flashback

Sasori and Itachi are playing DDR. Itachi fails the song, but Sasori passes with flying colors.

Sasori: Alright! I am the dancing master! (Spins in circles of joy)

Itachi: No, you cheated! You were using your puppet strings to guide you!

Sasori: You're just jealous because you suck.

Itachi gives Sasori an evil glare. After a few seconds, Sasori explodes.

End Flashback

Tobi: But that's not how Sasori senpai died.

Kisame: It makes more sense than being killed by a 15-year old and his grandmother, don't you think?

Tobi: ... Yeah, I guess you're right.

Kisame: But, we're getting off topic. The point it, we need to do something that we've never thought of doing before... Something that we'll always remember...

Kakuzu fell from the ceiling, got up, and pointed an accusing finger at Kisame.

Kakuzu: You can do whatever the hell you want at that party, I don't care. Just don't even THINK of stealing my money. If you do... _I'll kill joo._

After making his declaration, Kakuzu walked calmly out of the room, quickly turned around and shook his finger angrily at Kisame and Tobi again, and evaporated.

Kisame: O RLY? Tobi, are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Tobi: That toast is delicious?

Kisame: No, no... Well, it is quite good, but that's not what I'm thinking. We should pull off... A heist. (Dramatic music blares behind him)

Tobi: But Kakuzu-san just said that he'd kill us if we took his money.

Kisame: Kakuzu says a lot of things.

Hidan, without warning, bursts through the floor.

Hidan: Steal Kakuzu's money?! Count me in!

Kisame: Haven't any of you guys ever heard of a thing called, "The Door?!"

Hidan: But coming in here through the floor is even more painful. Mmmm...pain...

Tobi walked over to Hidan and shoved his head back through the floor with his foot.

Tobi: I still don't know about this, it sounds like a bad idea.

Kisame: Well no one said you had to do it with me.

Hidan came back into the room.

Hidan: Wait, were you expecting me to pair up with you losers? I don't think so.

Kisame: I'll probably need at least two other people, so I don't have much of a choice. It'll be worth your while.

Hidan: How?

Kisame: I'll...uh... Stop bothering you when you perform your freaky Jashin rituals.

Hidan: (Big watery eyes) For true, Kisame?

Kisame: Yes, for true. And Tobi, if you help me, I'll get you a lifetime supply of Sugar Nummies.

Tobi: Will you really?! Alright, I'm in!

Kisame, Hidan, and Tobi all put their hands together, flew their arms into the air, and let out their now-established group battle cry.

All three: SHOOP DA WHOOP!

Little did they know, about a room or two away, Deidara was listening on on them.

Deidara: They're gonna take Kakuzu's money huh? Well, I'm not gonna let 'em. The only one who's getting their hands on that money...is me, yeah.


	3. Holy Crap, It Begins!

Yep, there are more references to stuff in this chapter. Also, am I the only person who's made a joke about hentai who's never actually watched any before? I don't plan on it either, from what I've heard. Ewww.

* * *

Tobi continued to share with the Leader his strange tale. Or so we thought.

Tobi: ... And that's how to make the perfect cheesecake!

Leader: Yes, excellent! Good work, Tobi.

Tobi: Yay!

Leader: But anyway, I am confused. You said Deidara knew of your plot, but you were speaking with Hidan and Kisame at the time. How could you remember something if you weren't there?

Tobi: (Shrugs) I 'unno.

Leader: (Confused face) Well anyhow, continue with your explanation. And take off that ridiculous mask.

Tobi: ... What mask?

Leader: That one, on your face. It's all orange and swirly.

Tobi: I have no idea what you're talking about.

Leader: Forget it, just shut up and talk.

Tobi: Whuh?

Leader: DO AS LEADER HAS DONE BEFORE YOU!

Story time again, woot!

Kisame, Tobi, and Hidan were sitting in a small room, in front of a round table. They were discussing a plan to get Kakuzu's cash.

Tobi: We're discussin'!

Kisame and Hidan: (With no enthusiasm) Huzzah.

They have yet to figure out any good plans.

Tobi: So, do either of you actually know WHERE Kakuzu keeps all his money?

Tobi and Kisame both look at Hidan.

Hidan: What?

Kisame: You're Kakuzu's partner, you should know this stuff.

Hidan: I'm his partner, not his roommate, I don't know where he keeps his stuff.

Kisame: That's enough outta you, wise guy!

Kisame suddenly tackled Hidan and put handcuffs on him.

Hidan: What the hell, Kisame?!

Kisame: You're under arrest!

Hidan: For what?! You're not even a cop!

Kisame: You are in direct violation of the law!

Hidan: You're in direct violation of your face!

Kisame: In direct violation LIKE A FOX!

Tobi: Guys, knock it off. If you keep goofing off, they'll cancel the prom!

Kisame and Hidan: Not the prom!

Kisame removed the handcuffs from Hidan. They all got up and started to perform a rendition of Singing In The Rain without warning or reason, but quit halfway through due to severe budget cuts.

Tobi: We could've finished if we had Kakuzu's money.

Hidan: I could've been a star!

Kisame: Will my Broadway dreams never come to fruition?

Tobi, Hidan, and Kisame: Woe and lamentation!

The three crawled into the corner of the room and became emo. They weeped for 15 minutes and refused to stop until one of them performed an Irish jig. They drew straws, and eventually forced Kisame to dance, or they'd break his kneecaps. Afterwards, they all went back to the table. Unfortunately, they still didn't have a plan for their heist.

Kisame: Maybe what we could do is have someone go incognito and follow Kakuzu around for the rest of the week.

Tobi: I'm not gonna do it.

Kisame: Why not?

Tobi: Because he's scary. He's got tentacles and stuff. You know what guys with tentacles do to their victims.

Hidan: Tobi, have you been watching my hentai videos?

Kisame: Hidan watches hentai?

Tobi: I thought it was Super Awesome Seizure Robots, but when I turned it on, I saw lots of school girls and tentacles!

Hidan: Tobi, you bastard, I was looking for that one!

Kisame: Tobi watches Super Awesome Seizure Robots?

Tobi: Hidan, you're disgusting!

Kisame: This guy likes to stab himself for pleasure, and you just now think he's disgusting for watching porn?

Hidan: You're just a couple of douchebags! Fuck this, I'm not gonna help you.

Kisame and Tobi both look at each other, shocked.

Kisame: No, you can't leave! You know too much already!

Tobi: Besides, we still need someone to follow Kakuzu!

Hidan: Why can't shark breath do it?

Kisame: I'm too big, he'd notice me. Besides, you're the shortest of us three, you wouldn't be as easy to spot.

Hidan: And if I do this for you, what's in it for me?

Tobi: Uh, HELLO, all the money we'll steal?

Hidan: Oh, right.

Kisame: Now, what we'll have you do is dress up like this house plant. (Points to a plant in the corner)

Hidan: Oh come on, he's gonna figure that out.

Kisame: No he won't.

Hidan: Hey, I'm his battle partner, I'm pretty sure he's smarter than that.

Some time passed. Hidan was now sitting in the hallway, disguised as the plant. Kakuzu walked by.

Kakuzu: (Stares at plant) Hmmm... I don't remember a plant being here.

Hidan: (In head) Oh shit, he figured it out. I knew he would. Those idiots really thought this would work?

Kakuzu: Leader must have put it here today. He sure loves him some house plants. (Walks away)

Hidan: ... You've got to be kidding me.

Zetsu walked up to the Hidan plant, and, not knowing it wasn't a real plant, began to hit on it.

Zetsu: (In flirty voice) How you doin'?

Hidan: (In head) God dammit.


	4. Kakuzu Hides His Money WHERE?

An ultra dose of stupid internet memes helped me update this thing so quickly, huzzah! But Chapter 364 made me upset, what with the whole Tobi dealie...if you read it, you'll understand.

* * *

The story continued yet again. Yeah. Being a narrator is hard when there's nothing much to say.

Hidan continued to hide within the house plant disguise. All was going well, until Thursday. Itachi was doing his usual morning routine, which included destroying every house plant he saw.

Hidan: (Through a walkie talkie) Why would you make me dress as a house plant if you knew he'd attack me?!

Kisame: Because I thought it'd be funny.

Tobi: And it is!

Hidan: You morons! If it weren't for this clunky disguise I'm wearing, I'd sacrifice you to Jashin right here and now!

Kisame: Oooh, better be quiet, Itachi's coming.

Hidan: Kisame, you asshole!

Itachi calmly walked toward the Hidan plant. He gave the plant an evil glare and-

Back to the present!

Leader: WAIT!

Tobi: What?

Leader: Itachi's been destroying my house plants?! But why?! (Yells) ITACHI!

Itachi approaches Leader.

Itachi: Whuh?

Leader: Stop destroying my plants! I think they're beautiful, and they don't deserve to die!

Itachi: OK.

Tobi: ... Can I finish now?

Leader: Yes, go ahead.

Back to story!

Itachi gave the house plant an evil glare and proceeded to sit down next to it.

Itachi: You know what, house plant?

Hidan: ...

Itachi: You're the only one who understands me.

Hidan: (In head) Has Itachi been smoking crack or something? Why the hell is he talking to a plant?!

Itachi: I've murdered my whole family, except my little brother. You are forever stuck in a jar of dirt. We are both so alike in so many ways.

Hidan: (In head) HUH?!

Itachi: It's a shame... (Evil glare) ... That I must kill you...

From across the hall, Deidara shouts to Itachi.

Deidara: Yo, Itachi, the cookies are done!

Itachi: Oh, cookies! Yummy!

Itachi gets up and walks away from Hidan plant.

Hidan: Thank Jashin he left...

Deidara: What was that?

Deidara suddenly appeared in front of Hidan plant.

Hidan: Oh...uh... I'm a magic plant! I speak and stuff! I'll grant you three wishes if you turn around and forget I'm here!

Deidara: You must think I'm pretty stupid, yeah.

Hidan: OH, it's YOU, Deidara! I... I didn't recognize you! Did you do something with your hair?

Deidara: Stop playing dumb. What are you doing in that plant?

Hidan: ... Predicting the future?

Deidara: I know what you're up to, you and Kisame and Tobi. You're going after Kakuzu's money, and you're gonna mess up the big party, yeah.

Hidan: No! No! No! ...Well, we were going after the money, but that has nothing to do with the party.

Deidara: I CAN SEE THROUGH YOUR LIES!

Deidara began to open his mouth inhumanly wide, to the point where he looked both silly and frightening.

Hidan: ...Uh... What are you doing?

Deidara: IMMA CHARGIN MAH LAZER!!!

Hidan stared at Deidara for a long moment, while Deidara continued to leave his mouth open in a hideous manner.

Hidan: OK well, you go do that. I'm just going over there now, if that's OK with-

Deidara: SHOOP DA WHOOP!

Hidan: Yeah, see you.

Hidan scurried away. Many hours passed, and Deidara continued to stay in the hallway, mouth hanging open. Without warning, his hair caught fire again.

Deidara: Why does that keep happening?!

Meanwhile, Tobi and Kisame were eating corn.

Tobi: GENTLEMAN, I GIVE YOU... CORN!

Kisame: Yay!

As they ate, Hidan finally snuck himself into Kakuzu's room. He witnessed as Kakuzu demonstrated the fact that he's a greedy bastard.

Kakuzu: Oh money, how I love thee... (Holds a dollar to his ear) What's that? You want me to spend you? Oh NO, money! If I spent you, I wouldn't be able to covet you, now would I? Daddy doesn't want to lose his babies... No he doesn't! (Hugs pile of cash)

Hidan: (In head) Jeez, he really loves him some money, more than I thought he did... It's going to be impossible to get him away from it.

The Leader called for Kakuzu from another room.

Leader: Kakuzu! Help me put up the banners!

Kakuzu: Okeedoke!

Just as Kakuzu got up to leave, he grabbed all his money, swallowed it, and ran out of the room. Hidan had a disgusted look on his face.

Hidan: (Into walkie talkie) Well guys, I found out where he keeps his money...

Tobi: Not now, eating corn.

Hidan: But-

Tobi: CORN, DAMN YOU!

Hidan: This is more important than corn!

Kisame: You dare talk down to corn?!

Tobi and Kisame: CORNY JUSTICE!

The two appeared before Hidan in a puff of smoke and started pelting him with popcorn.

Hidan: For the love of- HE ATE HIS MONEY! HE KEEPS IT IN HIS STOMACH!

Kisame: What?!

Tobi: Eww...

Hidan: How are we gonna get the money if it's inside him?

Kisame: Would we really want money that's been inside Kakuzu? REALLY?

Tobi: We could just cut him open, I guess.

Hidan had a sinister grin on his face.

Hidan: I like cutting things. Especially human skin... The sound of the blade piercing flesh... Mmm...

Kisame: Aw crap, now look what you did Tobi, you made Hidan horny.

Hidan: Shut up, fish breath!

Hidan threw a toaster at Kisame's head.

Tobi: Whoo, hit in the noggin! 500 points!

Tobi and Hidan: WHOOHOO! (High-five)

Kisame: Fine, FINE, it looks like we'll have to cut him open or something. Now we need to think of the perfect time to do it...

Tobi: We could do it at a time when everyone has their guard down...

Kisame: When he'd least expect it...

Kisame and Tobi pondered. They kept pondering for about 20 minutes, until Hidan got fed up with their slow thinking.

Hidan: Uh, I don't know, how about THE PARTY?

Tobi and Kisame looked at Hidan with shocked faces.

Tobi: Hidan, you're a GENIUS!

Kisame: I never would've thought of that!

Tobi and Kisame started dancing in circles around Hidan.

Tobi and Kisame: Hidan is so smart, Hidan is so smart, S-M-R-T!

Hidan: You mean S-M-A-R-T.

Tobi: Wow, he IS smrt!

Hidan: Smrt? Dumbass, it's SMART!

Kisame: Yes, that's what YOU are!

Hidan: No, you're just a couple of retards!

The two continued their dance of joy around Hidan, while he impaled himself through one of his legs.

Hidan: Pretend they're not here... PRETEND THEY'RE NOT HERE...


	5. Betrayal

This chapter came out so crappy. Hope you laugh at it anyway.

* * *

The story should have been continuing, but Leader and Tobi got distracted.

Leader: ...So then she says, "Oh no you didn't!" and I'm all like, "Whatever!"

Tobi: Yeah, you tell 'em, Leader-san.

Leader: So she ran off, and I got the cookie.

Tobi: Of course you did.

The unnamed member approached Leader and Tobi.

Blue haired unnamed lady: Pein, you weren't telling that cookie story again, were you?

Leader: Why yes I was. What? Afraid to hear of your humiliating defeat once again at the hands of almighty Leader?

Blue: No dumbass, I ate that cookie. You tried to take it from me, so I kicked you in the groin, and you screamed like a little girl.

Tobi: For serious?! (Laughs in Leader's face)

Leader: Why must you embarrass me so?

Blue: You did it to yourself. Either tell the story right, or don't tell it at all.

Leader: Argh. I hate you. You're fired.

Blue: What?!

Leader: But anyhoo, that reminds me, you were telling a story too, right Tobi?

Tobi: That's correct!

Leader: ... What was it about?

Tobi: Uh...

Leader: Something about...a party...or... Or was it about money or something...

Tobi: THAT'S RIGHT! I remember now!

To the story!

The day was Friday. The party was one week from that day. While the other members of Akatsuki slaved away at party preparations, Tobi, Kisame, and Hidan were planning a heist. However, they weren't very good at it.

Kisame: Well, I say ponies are better!

Tobi: And I say kittens are better!

Kisame: Ponies!

Tobi: KIttens!

Kisame: PONIES!

Tobi: KITTENS!

Hidan: WHAT DOES ANY OF THAT SHIT HAVE TO DO WITH THE HEIST?!

Tobi: Nothing at all, but it's fun to discuss.

Hidan: No, it's NOT!

Hidan grabbed Tobi by the collar.

Hidan: Listen here, lollypop mask, I've been growing pretty fond of the idea of having all of Kakuzu's cash. I'm not gonna let a couple of morons like you get in the way of my plan. Ya got it?

Kisame: Well technically, it was my idea, so you taking credit is-

Hidan pulled out his scythe and put it near Kisame's neck.

Hidan: One more word out of you and Lord Jashin is gonna have another sacrifice.

Kisame: OK, OK, just chill out, be cool...

Hidan threw Tobi to the floor and stormed out of the room.

Tobi: What's gotten into him?

Kisame: I guess all the stress is getting to his head.

Tobi: Or it could be your smell. It's been so hot outside this week, and when you sweat, you smell like tuna.

Kisame: Shut up.

Kisame whacked Tobi on the head with his sword Samehada.

Meanwhile, Hidan was wandering the halls of the hideout, glaring at all the party decorations with disapproval. It was then that he ran into Deidara.

Deidara: Well hello there. Not hiding in house plants anymore, are we?

Hidan: Shut up, stupid pretty boy.

Deidara: Aren't you the pissy one today, yeah...

Hidan: It's those idiots Kisame and Tobi. They said we'd be planning a heist, and so far, all they've done is insult me, dressed me up like a house plant, threw popcorn at me, and made me feel ridiculous, among other things!

Deidara: That sounds pretty rough, yeah.

Hidan: Tobi's your partner, right? How do you deal with that?!

Deidara: I don't. I usually just ignore him. If that doesn't work, I use my art on him.

Hidan: You mean those clay things?

Deidara: That's right.

Hidan: Wait... Didn't you mention before that you wanted Kakuzu's money?

Deidara: I sure did, yeah.

Hidan: Hmm...

Deidara: What?

Hidan: ... How does me teaming up with you sound?

In a sudden turn of events, Hidan was going to betray Kisame and Tobi. Meanwhile, those two were playing Clue.

Tobi: OK, I think I got it! It was Colonel Mustard in the mansion with the garden hose!

Kisame: Garden hose? I don't remember that being a murder weapon...

Tobi: Well, it is now.

Kisame: I have no idea if you're telling the truth or not, but I don't question it. You win.

Tobi: Whoohoo!

Back with Hidan and Deidara, they actually started to plan something.

Deidara: So the party will take place in the cave where we seal the Bijuu, right? What we'll do is hide by one of the arms of the statue. We'll wait until Kakuzu-san gets really drunk. Then, I'll place some microscopic bombs into his drink. He'll explode, and while everyone's running around freaking out, we'll grab the money.

Hidan: It's a better plan than what those two have come up with, but I still don't like it.

Deidara: Why not? What's wrong with it, yeah?

Hidan: If we're going to slaughter someone, we must pray to Jashin and sacrifice the soul to him.

Deidara: Is that stupid Jashin all you think about, yeah?

Hidan: Are those stupid clay bombs all YOU think about?!

Deidara: At least mine is art, yeah!

Hidan: Who gives a damn about art?!

Deidara: Who gives a damn about religion?!

HIdan: Godless heathen!

Deidara: Unartistic freak!

As the two butted heads, the other pair was once again goofing off.

Kisame: What's the deal with Kakuzu, anyway?

Tobi: Those tentacles are so nasty... Do you think he's in any of Hidan's icky videos?

Kisame: That's something I don't want to think about... Besides, it's not like he's a freakin' sex god or anything. You wouldn't look up "freakin' sex god" in the dictionary and see his picture.

Tobi pulled out a dictionary and showed Kisame. Kakuzu's picture was there, next to the definition "Freakin' sex god."

Kisame: What the hell kind of dictionary has words like that?

Tobi: Who cares? Let's dance!

Tobi and Kisame ran to the arcade and played Dance Dance Revolution for the rest of the day. They still never thought of a plan. New questions had risen: Who would get Kakuzu's money? Will Deidara and Hidan stop fighting? Will Tobi and Kisame ever think of a plan? Will the author still keep this thing fresh for at least another 5 chapters? Only time will tell...


	6. I Have No Idea What's Going On

I wrote this the other day, but the site was giving me trouble, so I've added it today. This chapter is special, because it was a collaboration with my friend, so he gets some credit for some of the insanity later in the chapter. Yay!

* * *

I think you know what's going on by now. This narrating job is now obsolete.

The big party was in two days. Tobi and Kisame returned from their magical dancing adventure at the Dance Dance Revolution arcade.

Tobi: Hot damn, I'm the dance master!

Kisame: Nuh-uh, you cheated!

Tobi: Come on, don't be jealous.

Kisame: You covered my screen with squeezy cheese, and put oil on the dancing platform! Then you set me on fire!

Tobi: It made you dance better.

Kisame: ...Well, it did, but it hurt like hell!

Hidan bursted through the door.

Hidan: S'up, bitches.

Tobi: Holy crap, Hidan's back! YAY!

Tobi runs toward Hidan and hugs him tightly.

Tobi: Don't ever leave us again, Daddy!

Hidan: Daddy?! What the hell have you been smoking?!

Kisame: Some of Leader's stash, probably.

Hidan: Get off of me, dumbass.

Hidan shoves Tobi on the ground.

Hidan: I'm just here to get my shit.

Tobi: So you're not coming back? But... But Daddy, we missed you! Mommy and Tobi missed you so much!!!

Kisame: MOMMY?!

Hidan: You can both drop dead for all I care. I'm never gonna get Kakuzu's money plotting with you asshats. I've paired up with... DEIDARA.

Dramatic music blares in the background.

Kisame: Where did that music come from?

The three look around, puzzled.

Hidan: Who cares about the music? Deidara and I are gonna get the money, so you can just give up and go do whatever the hell it is you're doing.

Hidan grabs a suitcase full of stuff, walks out the door, and slams it on the way out.

Kisame: That's not good... Deidara is smart, we should start planning more and- Hey, are listening to me?

Tobi is playing a video game.

Tobi: Oh no, the zombie is trying to eat my head! Gotta mash the A button! Press A! PRESS A!!!

Kisame: Fine, screw it, you're not paying attention to me anyway. Let Hidan and Deidara get the money, I give up.

Kisame also goes out the door and slams it on his way out. He walks down a few hallways and into the master ballroom, which was just installed a few days ago for the party. Leader and Konan are hanging banners on the walls.

Leader: Hey there, Kisame! Are you finally gonna help us with the party decorations and junk?

Kisame: Yeah, I guess so.

Leader: YAY!

Leader jumps up and down, clapping his hands in glee. This is not a good idea, since he's standing on a ladder. Konan pinches his ear to make him stop.

Konan: I swear, you would've killed yourself five times over if it weren't for me.

Leader: (In whiny voice) But Konan...

Konan sighs heavily.

Konan: Kisame, help us out here. Grab another ladder and help us hang some banners.

Kisame grabs a large banner from the corner of the room. It says, "IT'S PARTY TIME, WHOO!" in bright, florescent colors. Kisame climbs a ladder to the left of Leader and attaches one side of the banner to the wall. From the corner of his eye, he sees Kakuzu walk into the room.

Kakuzu: Hey guys, if you need help with that, I can attach the other banners for you.

Many black, thin tentacles come out of Kakuzu's arm.

Leader: Eww... Kakuzu, put those away, will ya?

Kisame: (In head) Damn that Kakuzu, trying to be all helpful, when he's hiding our money in that stupid stomach of his... I can't give up now. Gotta make a plan.

Kisame jumps down from the ladder.

Kisame: Sure, hang up the rest of that ladder. I...uh... Left some cookies in the oven. They'll burn if I don't take 'em out. See ya.

Leader: Dude, you made cookies?! That's rad! Hurry up and get them, I'm getting the munchies!

Konan: PEIN, what have I told you about smoking marijuana?! You're grounded!

Leader: But KONAN...

Konan: No buts, mister, you had your chance.

Flashback

Konan walks through a hallway. She approaches Leader's room.

Konan: What's the smell...?

She knocks on Leader's door.

Konan: Pein, are you smoking pot in there??

Leader: Ummm... MAYBE.

Konan: Open the door.

Leader: NO!

Konan: Do you want to get grounded?

Leader: ...Okay... I'll open the door...

A huge rush of smoke comes out and engulfs Konan.

Konan: DAMMIT, PEIN!

Leader: Come on, be cool, I'll stop, I promise.

Konan: Fine, I'll let you off this one time. Give me the joint.

Leader: No!

Konan: Pein...

Leader: ...Okay...

He gives her the joint, and has a sad look on his face. She crushes it under her heel.

Konan: Now, no more of that. Just remember, if I catch you getting high one more time, you're grounded.

Leader: Okeedokee!

End Flashback

Konan: You've been a bad Leader, so I'm grounding you. You won't be able to go to the party on Saturday.

Leader: WHAT?! You can't do that to me! I HATE YOU!

Leader jumps down from the ladder and runs away crying. Meanwhile, Deidara and Hidan are plotting and stuff.

Deidara and Hidan: Plotting noises Teh heh heh, we're plotting.

Deidara: We're plotting lots of plots like you've never seen before!

Hidan: And how!

Suddenly, Kisame and Tobi burst through the door.

Kisame: STOP RIGHT THERE!

Deidara: What the hell are you-

Tobi: SILENCE! We're here with a message for Hidan!

Kisame: Hidan... We're holding your cookie hostage.

Tobi holds a knife to a cookie.

Hidan: ...Why?

Kisame: Because you're working with Deidara!

Tobi points vigorously at Deidara.

Tobi: That's you, bitch!

Hidan: Well... That would explain why an 8-foot fish bowl was stalking me...

Kisame: Teehee, I'm am so very stealthy.

Hidan: But there's one thing...

Kisame: What?

Hidan: That's not my cookie.

Kisame: It's not?

Tobi: Then who's cookie is-

Zetsu bursts through the wall.

Zetsu: WHERE THE FUCK IS MY COOKIE?!

Zetsu sees the cookie in Kisame's hand.

Zetsu: YOU STOLE MY COOKIE, I EAT JOO NOWZ! OM NOM NOM NOM!!!

Deidara's hair suddenly bursts into flames.

Deidara: My hair's on fire again!!!

Sasori's ghost floats above Deidara's head.

Sasori ghost: That's what you get, you unartistic transvestite! Eat spooky ghost flames, BITCH.

Tobi: ZOMG, I see dead people! I SEE YOU, GHOST MAN!

Kisame: Tobi, what have we told you about eating paint chips?!

And now for something completely different.

Itachi sits in a patch of flowers, somewhere in a meadow. He looks up to the sky with a blissful look on his face.

Itachi: Never before have I seen something so beautiful. My heart is filled with glee. If only I felt this way before, maybe I wouldn't have slaughtered my entire family. MAYBE.

Itachi's cloak suddenly bursts into flames.

Itachi: WHY IS MY CLOAK ON FIRE?! OH GOD!

Sasori's ghost appears above Itachi,

Sasori ghost: That's for killing me over a game of DDR! BWAHAHAHAHA!!!

Back in present time, yay!

Leader looks at Tobi with a disturbed glare.

Leader: What the hell is wrong with you people?!

Tobi: Yeah, Thursday was pretty weird. I don't know what happened. It's like two teenagers with nothing better to do took over our universe and started making us do horrible things for their own amusement.

Leader: That idea is preposterous. Shut up before I strike you with a sharp object.

Tobi: Okay.

Leader: You shall recount your story later. I'm going to go for a...bathroom break. Yeah. Bathroom.

Tobi: Are you gonna go get high again?

Leader: NO... Yeah.

Konan appears behind Leader.

Konan: PEIN, YOU ASSHOLE!

She lunges at Leader.

Leader: Oh God!

Tobi watches as Konan beats the living snot out of Leader.


End file.
